Domestic violence in marriages: Forms, Causes and Prevention

What’s the difference between normal conflict and domestic violence? Conflict is part of every intimate relationship–that’s why conflict resolution skills are important. Domestic violence, however, has no place in a healthy relationship, whether the couple is dating, engaged, married or cohabiting.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is any kind of behavior that a person uses, or threatens to use, to control an intimate partner. The two key elements are threat and control. 

Domestic violence can take various forms:

Physical – Violent actions such as hitting, beating, pushing, and kicking. In many cases physical abuse becomes more frequent and severe over time..

Sexual – Includes any sexual acts that are forced on one partner by the other.

Psychological – Includes a wide range of behaviors such as intimidation, isolating the victim from friends and family, controlling where the victim goes, making the victim feel guilty or crazy, and making unreasonable demands.

Emotional – Undermining an individual’s self-esteem, constant criticism, insults, put-downs, and name-calling.

Economic – Examples include limiting the victim’s access to family income, preventing the victim from working or forcing the victim to work, destroying the victim’s property, and making all the financial decisions.

Characteristics of victims

Female, although men can also experience domestic violence.

Younger, often in their 20’s and 30’sMore likely to be dating or cohabiting than married.Nearly half live in households with children.

Why do women stay? 

Women often stay with their abusers because of fear. They are afraid that the abuser will become more violent if they try to leave. Some fear that they will lose their children. Many believe that they cannot make it on their own.

Some abused women believe that the abuse is their fault. They think that they can stop the abuse if they just act differently. Some cannot admit that they are abused women. Others feel pressured to stay in the relationship. They may feel cut off from social support and resources. Abused women often feel that they are alone, and have no where to turn for help.

Why do men batter?

Abusive men come from all walks of life. They may be successful in their career and respected in their church and community. Abusive men often share some common characteristics. They tend to be jealous, possessive and easily angered. Many abusive men believe that women are inferior. They believe that men are meant to dominate and control women. Typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is happening or they minimize it. 

They may blame their partner for the abuse, saying, “You made me do this.”Alcohol and drugs are often associated with domestic violence but they do not cause it. 

An abusive man who drinks or uses drugs has two different problems: substance abuse and violence. Both must be treated.

The Signs of Domestic Violence

Isolation: Predators prefer that their victims remain isolated. It makes them easier to control.

Moving too fast: Many predators want to get into a relationship quickly and move fast. What they want is to quickly gain control over their victim and to get them into a compromising situation.

Won’t take no for an answer: Anyone who won’t accept no for an answer wants to control the other person. Way too often, once a man says no, the discussion is over. However, when a woman says no, this is taken as just the beginning of the negotiation.

Symbolic violence: This involves destroying items of value to the other person in the relationship or that are symbolic of the relationship itself. The intent here is to intimidate the other person and cause emotional distress. Tearing up wedding pictures, destroying personal belonging, or even abusing a beloved pet are all red flags.

Increasing anxiety and depression: Domestic violence victims show increasing signs of anxiety and depression such as:

Avoiding the truth: Victims of abuse are often shell-shocked. They are virtually frozen stiff by the stress and anxiety. Many people who were brought up in good homes are actually oblivious to what abuse actually is. They either:

Shedding relationship: Victims of domestic abuse tend to shed their former relationships––best friends, former boyfriends and girlfriends, contact with neighbors or former teachers. 

Victim’s Behaviour During Violence

Ø    Agitation;

Ø    Sadness;

Ø    Emotional mood swings; and

Ø    Persistent crying.

Ø    Don’t know what violence is;

Ø    Normalize their abuser’s violent behavior; or

Ø    Make excuses for their abuser’s behavior until it is too late

How to overcome continuous occurrences

1. Accept what you see

Denial is the biggest contributor to domestic violence. Most people underestimate the threat of domestic violence and don’t recognize the warning signs, like a history of possessiveness, intimidation, or overly jealous behavior. These are all psychological red flags warning of potential danger. When you see danger, recognize it as danger and do something about it.

2. Trust your intuition

Intuition is the best tool we have to help us prevent domestic violence. 31,000 women die each year from violent acts, most at the hands of a romantic partner. Respect your own intuition. Do not talk yourself out of or normalize violent behavior that you witness. Stop debating and questioning your own observations. Our brains are hardwired to pick up on signs of danger that tell us that something is wrong. If you feel that someone is in danger, they most likely are.

3. Don’t legitimize the violence

Violence in a relationship is never a legitimate way of handling disagreements or strong emotions. It is never justified, and it is always wrong. A little push can become a swinging fist or a weapon wielded aggressively. Remember that once violence happens once or twice, the likelihood of it happening again it is exponentially greater. Violence almost always escalates when there is no accountability.

4. Speak out

If you feel that someone close to you is being subjected to domestic violence you need to speak out. Many friends and relatives are reluctant to intervene out of respect for the individual’s personal boundaries. However, caring about the person involves compassionate intervention. Whatever you do, do not simply look the other way and remain silent.

5. Gather evidence

Document what you see of the abuse and arrange it into a coherent dialogue. Detail unacceptable behavior you may have witnessed yourself, heard about from others, things you may have read on social media, or seen in text messages. Be specific and stick to the fact.

6. Present the evidence and stand your ground

Delicately present your evidence to the victim. Let the person know that you are speaking to them out of concern for their safety. Remember that they are likely locked in a cage of denial and have no perspective on what is happening to them.

Insist that the abuser is held accountable for his or her violent actions and that you will no longer stand by and ignore such behavior. Stand your ground. They need your help. If they are still reluctant to discuss the matter with you, turn to their community of friend and ask them to intervene.

7. Get help

Make sure that you do not go it alone. Contact a local group or domestic violence hotline and even the police, if necessary. These organizations can help you find a safe place for the victim stay, help them set up new jobs and bank accounts, and can even help them take care of their children. They have all of the strategies and resource to help a person leave an abusive relationship safely and successfully.

Remember, victims of domestic violence are often trapped in a cage of fear and have no perspective on what is truly going on in their lives. Taking these steps to prevent domestic violence before it happens, as hard as some of them may be, can potentially save a person’s life.